FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO ALL NEWS OUTLETS
Bend, OR, USA – Jude Eiger Thomas (JET) completed his first triathlon when he successfully exited mother Lauren Fleshman’s womb at 10:03pm on June 10, 2013. His official time was 9 months, 3 days, and 16 rather painful final hours.
Unlike his father Jesse Thomas, Jude is an exceptional swimmer. He was the first competitor through the water, besting anywhere from 20 to 50 million other competitors in the process. Do to incredibly wet conditions, race organizers swapped the bike ride for a 9 month aqua jog. Jude stayed calm and jogged well, but was given a few penalties from mom for repeatedly and painfully pushing the limits of his aquajogging station. He snapped back though. Just like dad, he finished with a big run, winding his way successfully to the finish line through the tight, circuitous, and incredibly confusing course despite race organizers declining to provide him with a lead vehicle.
Jude may have over hydrated and over fueled, because he somehow grew roughly 21″ in length and gained 7lbs 11oz DURING the competition. His mother and father are super proud and happy. Mother is doing fantastic, especially considering she ventured to new levels of pain that greatly exceeded any and all previous athletic endeavors.
Jude was super psyched to finally finish his first race 100% healthy and happy. Though there were no other witnesses, his father swore he heard him say “Booyah” as he crossed the finish line. He quickly latched on to lots of recovery drink followed by sleeping and plenty of pooping. He wants to thank everyone who supported him from a little Lima Bean all the way to fully developed, but still tiny, bad ass mofo.